Mungkin kalo 2 tahun lalu atau tahun lalu gue masih kepikiran atau membayangkan & mengharapkan bisa nikah dan bisa tiap hari sama Pandji untuk jangka waktu yang lama. Masih ngarepin kalo gue bangun tidur terus disamping gue ada dia, masih bayangin kalo gue tinggal sama dia
Tapi tahun ini berubah sih. It just hits my reality. That we cannot be together for a long time. It won't happen. My vision with him, my hopes with him, it won't happen ☺️
At some point I stopped hoping.
Udah gak kebayang lagi gue tinggal sama dia, gue hidup lama sama dia.
Cuz thanks to him yang selalu ingetin gue for so many times kita gak bisa bersama apalagi nikah.
Ada gunanya juga ternyata dia ngomong itu berkali2, gue kira gue bakal batu Dan tetep mengharapkan dia.
Pasti lo nanya, ya terus lo udah tau lo ga bakal jangka panjang sama dia untuk ke arah nikah, why are you still here?
The only answer I have right now is
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid to be alone.
I'm afraid my life will change and lonelier without him & his life.
Karena gue sudah terbiasa dengan adanya dia, nongkrong juga mostly sama temen2nya dia, jalan selalu sama dia
Gue sampe beberapa kali coba keluar sendiri, party sama temen2 gue Dan berharap kecil, please let me make a mistake tonight, so I can leave him without turning back, so I can forget him
Nyatanya gue selalu nahan hahaha
Hampir ketemuan sama cowo tinder yang 2018 tapi gue bailed terus sampe akhirnya udah gak janjian lagi.
Kalo gue niatin bisa.. kalo gue rencanain bisa..
Cuma gue gak gitu. Sama lo ya ndji, gue engga gitu. Gue loyal mampus sama lo and I fucking hate myself for that.
Gue mau brengsek lagi, gue mau gapedulian lagi kayak dulu
Tapi gue gak bisa gitu sama lo
Lo gak larang gue sama sekali, lo bebasin gue, you don't even care kalo gue jalan atau chat sama cowo
I FUCKING WISH I DID THAT
But I don't.
God knows how much I miss you, how much I miss the old you when you first start meet me, when you want me FIRST
When u still care about me & afraid of losing me. I miss THAT.
But it's gone. I can't revive that feelings anymore from you. I know that.
I'm just still afraid. I'm sorry.
Komentar
Posting Komentar